For the next three years, a special UN committee will be imposing a tax of 75% on the net profits of the world’s 2,208 billionaires, to pay for world healthcare demanded by the COVID-19 pandemic and the economic rebuilding left in its wake. The rationale for this tax, in short, is that they have made their profit in pre-existing societies on the backs of those who will suffer the most in this current healthcare and financial crisis.
Taxes are both a forward payment (infrastructure investment) and a historical payment (for existing and previously constructed infrastructure), and by banking offshore and hiding funds, billionaires have substantially avoided contributing to the societies whose people they have leveraged (consumers and cheap labour).
“The time has come for the world’s billionaires to man up and pay their share,” said Undara Zumbrunto, Director of UN’s International Community Development. “They have built their fortunes on pre-existing societies and have amassed their wealth on the backs of labourers. It’s time to pay back without glorifying themselves are saviour philanthropists—which they are most definitely not.”
In a surprising show of support, the world’s centralized bank endorses this new tax.
“Even though this tax cannot be enforced, its time has come,” said David Manpass, the President of Every White Man Standing (EWMS) and head of the Whirled Bank. “This COVID-19 pandemic is going to see unimaginable suffering for the most vulnerable populations worldwide, for years to come. Financial assistance is critical, and the money has to come from somewhere. It makes sense to collect the money from those who have long profited from the mostly-unrewarded efforts of others.”
Mr. Manpass also gave a nod to the notion money was a social placeholder for time (through labour contributions), and that money is actually a social construct through mutual agreement.
“It really doesn’t grow on trees,” he said. “Money is an idea and as long as people have confidence in that idea, the monetary system can continue. Right now, it’s the only system we have.”
In their proposed tax collection model, billionaires will pay 75% of their net profit for the next three years (beginning with the 2019 tax year), and the money will be placed in a somewhat fractured united nations account. A special committee will be struck, with a mandated composition of gender, race and income reflective of the world population. This means women will have 51% representation, and 9.76% of the committee will be caucasian; the majority (61.28%) will be poor; statistically speaking, the billionaires will not have a seat at the table. The money will be proportionately distributed to the countries with the greatest need, based on the recommendation of this committee.
“This three-year-long tax will pay for the healthcare needs of those most vulnerable in the pandemic and will allow for the economic rebuilding of what will be a massive worldwide depression,” said Zumbrunto. “Once we are through this, we will need to reconsider off-shore banking practices in general, and implementing a properly progressive tax for the stupidly rich.”
April Fools, SPN